It’s Not So ȼƟɱƿᶅɘẋ

I feel that I’ve finally lost all composure. I’ve felt nothing but bitter for the past three days, and I honestly don’t feel any better than when I began. Usually a dark mood of mine lasts a few hours–or a day if it’s particularly bad–but nothing seems to be looking up anymore, so how can I keep a smile on my face anymore? I can’t, and my mood is starting to leave me more easily aggravated with others. Hopefully something looks up soon because I’m not sure than I can take this added strain to my already whacked-out life, not to mention I don’t think I can handle constantly being asked, “What’s wrong?” Not when the only answer I can manage to hand out is, “Nothing, it’s just been a long day.”

My Residents:

This spiral started on Thursday. When I’m working, I don’t really expect–or fucking deserve–to be called/approached three times because my floor is “out of control”. I find myself to be relatively lenient and easy-going, but once you get on my last nerve, it’s in your best interest to step the fuck off because there’s not very often a chance to go back once you’ve earned my grudge. After Thursday’s noisy incident, I’ve only received one apology, and on top of that no changes seem to have been made in the floor’s attitude, regardless of anything I say. I’m not the type to be taken advantage of, and everyone is about to learn that lesson in the most difficult of ways if things don’t change soon.

My Classes:

This is now the second time that this issue has surfaced: FUCK YOU, ORGO. I should actually be studying right now for my quiz in less than 10 hours from now, but I’ve nearly given up on that task; there’s only so much you can keep absorbing over and over. On top of the quiz tomorrow, my professor has very kindly decided that our exam would be this Friday as well, so I get to pull all-nighters for the same class twice in one week! Eventually I need to get around to finishing my nutrition assignment before it’s due on Thursday. Everything has once again managed to culminate into a single week, and it’s really starting to affect my ability to cope with all of them at once.

My Life:

I spent this entire week looking at happy couples on dance floors, realizing it’s been over a year since I dated someone even semi-seriously, and listening to the excitement of others’ upcoming dates when it really did nothing but crush me on the inside. I’ve just about had it with being considered second-rate and, for some reason, unworthy of dating anyone. I guess I never realized that I was still a reject of the homo-world, regardless of my apparent acclimation. When I’m actually interested in someone, they always seem to be dating someone already (go figure), and yet when I’m just genuinely trying to be someone’s friend, I get accused of trying to get into their pants. Maybe I should just be everyone’s friend–then I’d be bound to get laid eventually by the current logic, right? More importantly, fuck having a gigantic room completely to myself and never using it for any even remotely romantic purposes. I almost feel like I’m cheating my room out of its full worth, and even though that sounds a bit sleazy, that’s not my intention at all. Since when did I ever want to be wanted this badly?

Underlying Issue:

Often times I wish I could hate myself enough to finally force a change of behavior